The Truth About Meg

THE Cookie

2006-04-11T22:14:00.000-07:00

Sunday April 9th

Cookie I made for Boyfriend:
(sporting the infamous Pink Sock and his top secret code name)

In the way of being that which I am (woman) it is imperative that I be capable, not only of baking, but of creating meaningful works of art out of edibles.
So we opened up pre-rolled, pre-Easter-shape-cut, cookie dough packages and baked them for the designated times only to deface them completey with sugar coating and questionable 'art'.

Here is the best cookie ever. I made it for Albert, my Stud. It was all I could do to help sooth the pains of the proximity to Laura he endured that Sunday afternoon.

BTW- He 'et' it.... He 'et' it good.

Ahh, yes...... Cheesecake Factory. After a long day of baking and holding back the urges to strangle one particular host.....
Boyfriend, I and his parentals ended up at the one place we can always count on leaving with pungent breath, The Cheesecake Factory.
Here we are, doing what we do best.

It's amazing how we always find the time to make eachother laugh and smile. I think I'm the luckiest girl alive.
PS- sometimes the stinky part isn't the breath.......
(yes this is my guilty face.....)

I find-

2006-03-26T15:09:00.000-08:00

I find it hard to believe

You next to me

Safe asleep

Less your dreams.

I find each day

You amaze me

With your logical simplicty

Astonishing- riviting

So caught up in the act that

Intermission might kill me

I find it to be

More than anything

That "should-be's" could contain

Please remain

The same

I found and find each day

-A Lesser Grace

Meg

Albert-culosis (Yawnis-Perpetuoso)

2006-01-20T22:51:00.000-08:00

"Aww...... smile nice. No Yawning, yea..... you on the left........"
"Hey..... wait..... no one told me it's the fun shot"

"There- did you get that one? What?!........ Damn."

Meet Albert. He's the kind of person you meet, then walk away wondering if you dreamt the occurrence entirely. Tall, dark and hansom shell, filled with an intelligent, determined, loving and hilarious creamy center. Delicious.

As you can tell- we have a blast together. He makes me feel like a kid again, everyday things are that much more exciting and vibrant when he's around. He's skilled in the field of mechanics, and currently offers custom fabrication (www.dvdtfab.com) Since he loves his work, you can imagine how well his product is crafted.

After spending the last two weeks getting to know him, we've both determined that we should name his current affliction after him.

Albert-culosis (Yawnis-Perpetuoso) A syndrom in which the affected live thier lives in either a) a continuous yawn; b) one yawn leading directly into the next without reasonable cause or explaination; c) one who goes about living their life in a perpetual state of lethargy (aka albert).

We're taking donations for the cause. Help us find Albert a cure.

Last Karaoke 2005

2006-01-04T12:19:00.000-08:00

Courtney, Rachel and I spent the last Thursday of 2005, exactly where we ought to be: West Dundee's very own CobbleStone. We sang our hearts out and had a great time.
The three of us to meet again, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for total
body work outs at X-Sport Gym.

It's amazing, looking back at when I first met all of these wonderful people. That first Thursday when the comfort of Cobble Stone's Karaoke regulars brought a sincere feeling of belonging and bore gifts of freindship that I would never trade. Here's to next year's Karaoke adventures, songs and good times.
I love you all. Yes, even you weird, shouldn't be singing types.....
(note: none pictured here)
Ed and Courtney are that one couple that everyone can look up to-they pride themselves on the imperfections, because they are always able to work through them, and Love always prevails over all. Even X-box 360. If it were'nt for CobbleStone, I never would have had the pleasure of meeting and becoming such great friends with such a wonderful pair. I'm truly greatful.

Rachel is back from Florida for good now. She's staying at Courtney's, I'm so glad she's back. The three of us a scheduled for a self booty kicking at the gym tonight- and I'm looking forward to it.

Oh What A Night!

2006-01-03T00:32:00.000-08:00

New Years Eve, 2005. Preperation began-

Apparently I clean up nicely. This is me, just before I left for the Grotto (Downtown Chicago) on New Years Eve. My escort for the evening, the handsomly stunning Josh, pulled up at 8:30 and we made our way downtown for an incredible evening.

We arrived at the Grotto (State and Division) and started our evening off with white wine as we began the meet and greet. We had the VIP section, velvet rope and all, for a guest list of 95 people. RSVP only.

It was an evening of beautiful people, laughter, drinking and dancing. Not a soul was in poor spirits, it was a great way to ring in the New Year. I embraced 2006, with a picture perfect kiss and a colorful memories to last throughout the new year.

All us ladies kept ourselves occupied by stiring up the dance floor scene. We made sure to shake things up-in every sense of the word.

After the Grotto, Josh and I, (in record time) made our way back to Palatine. Durty Nellies our next destination point. Josh's good friend Jim, the lead singer of Modern Day Romeos (who headlined Nelly's New Years Eve Party) lit up our evening with a special encore.

We then made our way to a Hotel Party...... this is where things got interesting...... I'll explain.

Josh, being the stand up guy he is, interveined when a thug was chasing after a girl and pushed her. The end reslut being a punch in the face, to which Josh did not raise his hand. The cops came to ease the situation, but by that time, thug and his gang of idiots were long gone. We chilled at the hotel for a while- good times were had.

I can honestly say that this New Years, was by far, the best I had ever had. Thanks to Josh, Filo, all my girls and the Modern Day Romeo's and groupies for ringing in the New Year in the best of spirits.

Happy New Year Everyone! Here's to 2006!

Tree.....sigh.

2005-11-27T00:56:00.000-08:00

Christmas is coming, as I previously posted.
I must obtain tree.
Sigh.
I had a tree, infact it was still up Jan 20th, when my apartment burnt down. There were even still gifts underneath.
So this tree... new tree... cannot be real. Too much drama, pine needles and all. Pre-lit is probably the way to go......I wonder, as to whether they offer fire-proof models...?
I've decided that this has to be the best tree ever. Unique, and beautifully dressed. A personification of its owner..... perhaps.
Passing by the Victoris Secret window, I saw a pale powder pink tree, with fucia lights- "hmm", I thought, as I stood infront of the large window ........ no..... I couldn't do that to poor Brian. He might launch it off the balcony. I don't need a personification of me launched off the balcony.
I stumbled upon the upside down Christmas Tree- yep, I blame Bush (HA!) What ever is the world coming to? Do we really try and come up with stupid-er ideas every year? Isn't the point to have a huge base of your tree...... so Santa will have to bring lots of presents to fill it up?
I really feel like I have to make this Christmas the best and most memorable, probably has a lot to do with how much of me wants to forget last year.
When I find her..... you can bet I'll post a pic.
Until then-sleep sounds nice.

BTW. I have my car back. Just until the second wave of parts come in.......Oh Saabbi, how I've missed you. It's been quite dificult to even attempt to warm up my voice while sitting in the passanger seat of Brian's car.... while he drives me in..... almost half asleep. :)

PS- I was joking about the damn pink tree. Shock value..... thats all..... I am not one of those..... honest. As for the upside down tree- Santa, sure as hell, isn't getting off that easy.

Epiphany

2005-11-25T23:14:00.000-08:00

I am convinced that we've become hollowed out shells of the people we were meant to become.

We live our lives in this "lather, rinse, repeat" format completely void of emotional contact with our fellow man. Rather than walking along side one another, we pass eachother by, and rather than kind words, harsh expressions are exchanged.

It's horribly sad. At least it makes me sad. I think about all of the people I did not know, and will not know, and want to know. That is lonliness-the kind we create.

I'm convinced that we will grow old, but that wisdom will only come of regret in our lives. I'm sorrry for all those people I lost and left behind, and the lesson has been learned-but I could have learned so much more. It's sad.

I've been carless this week. An entire week. Brian's been great enough to drive me to work and home (since our desks are about 100 feet apart) and I just wasted away in the apartment on my day off. I felt so confined, it was rather depressing.

Kristin, "Red" a girl I work with asked about my car today, she said

"Listen, if you need a ride anywhere, let me know. I'll come get you."

I smiled at her and shook my head, "You know I wouldn't ask-but thank you anyway."

"Seriously" she sternly said, "I know you've done it for other people, I know you would do it for me. Please give me the opportunity to do it for you."

In the moment- it was just kind words. Upon reviewing, I realized, that I had fallen away from that person, who would do anything for anyone who needed to be helped. Kristin gets to be my angel of the week-reminding me not to lose touch, and offering heself. Thanks, hun.

I don't want to become the hollowed out shell, of the person I was, or am supposed to be. I want to extend past peoples noses and into their hearts and allow them into mine. I don't want to let people pass me by, nor do I want to be passed by. I may just be one person, but I was convinced hope was lost, until just one person, reminded me it's still there.

The Elephants

2005-11-24T21:58:00.000-08:00

I live in a 3 flat building. Second floor. I love my apartment. I love my roommate. I love my neighbors below.
I ABSOLUTELEY HATE THE ELEPHANTS WHO LIVE UPSTAIRS.
Granted. No one is perfect. A family spat on occasion, where arguments escalade into fights, falling to tripping……
These people make a habit of making an ungodly amount of noise, and at the most inappropriate times. Let me give you a glimpse into what we get to deal with, and why the nickname “Elephants” fits.
1) Vacuuming after midnight. Not one room (cleaning up a spill is understandable)
2) Running through the apartment…… all day, all night. Pounding their feet as they run….. Sometimes they even dribble a ball.
3) Bright and early in the morning, screaming fights about waking up.
4) Obsession with playing video games with the volume at full power and stomping your feet when you are not winning.
5)Locking each other out of the apartment, waking everyone up with screaming and pounding on the outside doors.
6) The Ogre is getting some. (We believe he must be paying for it- but that's another story) Brian has the master bedroom, he spends a couple nights a month on the couch because of the wonderful noises he hears.
There is more.
We made a call once…. But realized that it held no positive bearing on the tenants above. These people will ruin movies…… ruin moments…..wake you up…and keep you from sleeping. Did I mention they look like ogres….. Not the Shrek kind…… the hideous mutation type. Gross.
And the worst part……. The lack-there-of of opportunities to retaliate.
Wish me luck in falling asleep.
(cue the vacuum)
-Meg

Calander

2005-11-23T22:29:00.000-08:00

On October 2 of this year, I watched my Grandmothers Calico cat "Six-toe" give birth to 3 kittens. The 1st one out was the dark orange one. I named him Calender.
You can laugh.
Here's the reasoning behind the name.
1) I was at my Grandmothers house to bury her 16year old cat which had died the day before. We didn't even know that "Six-toe" was pregnant. The cat was on my grandmothers lap and began to have contractions. I watched as Calendar was born. My grandmother commented about the cycle of life. One dies, one is born. In this case, 3 were born.
2) Calendar was born with 7 toes on each paw. One for each day of the week. It really seemed appropiate. Besides- names like "fluffy" or "kitty" don't really appeal to me.
If you enlarge the photo to your right, you can actually see his paw, and the 7 toes on it. He's so adorable.

I have about 2 more weeks to wait until I can bring him home. I'm excited. It'll be nice to have a man to come home to :)

Christmas is Coming

2005-11-23T15:38:00.000-08:00

Christmas is coming.
Those over-dramatic, whimsically social individuals with an abundance of access time on their hands have sprinkled their homes with lights and religious paraphernalia. Mind you, it’s not even Thanksgiving yet.
I seem to relish the thought that the holiday season is an entire month (longer for some) which truly brings out the worst in people. It escalades just before the holiday hits, angst toward our fellow man, a disregard for others feelings, and the pompous promenade of dollar amounts in place of genuine love or affection. It’s the time in a child’s life, when he/she learns to associate material possessions with how much their parents ’love’ them.
Ironically, the holiday season is one of religious connotation, though the meaning gets lost in the lies we tell our children. A celebration of key individuals in the belief structure of one’s perceived religion, be it a biblical birth, or eight nights of light, it gets traded in for a fat man in a red suit, who has a sweatshop fill of midgets and dwarfs, as well as magical flying reindeer. Hmm…
We try to teach our children proper lessons,
“Don’t talk to strangers”- but if a man shimmies down your chimney and offers you a package….. that’s another story. We spend so much money on shrinks and therapy trying to understand why our youth is so misdirected and confused, we’re the ones lying to them, we teach them that it’s okay to tell white lies from a very, very young age.
Christmas is coming.
It’s the one time of the year where being in a broken home can be construed as a ‘plus’. Coming from a divorced family, the holiday season was a battlefield for the ‘favor’ of the children. It really had nothing to do with us, most of the time, it was a battle between our parents as to who could out-do the other. We enjoyed multiple gifts, but the sheer exhaustion and emotional capacity overload left our mouths dry. Santa had no part. What they never seemed to understand is that children are not supposed to love one parent more than the other-trying to provoke such thoughts is one of the worst things you can do.
It’s also the one time of the year, when we all pretend to get along. We ice over the deep-seeded issues to feast and open gifts, but once the children are off to bed (or the Egg-Nog Special takes effect) it’s all out on the table. You need the time off from work and school to recover from the emotional exhaustion of the family gatherings.
Christmas is coming.
Black Friday is upon us. Even if I thought it were possible to prepare myself for the rush of potential buyers and the bountiful questions they’ll have to offer, I’ve come to the conclusion, I would merely be lying to myself. Black Friday is the most revered day in the Retail industry. Not even the cold winter morning can sway the mobs from standing outside the doors of local retail chains hours before opening, or prevent the overflow of people in the isles and over packed parking lots. It is, notoriously, the worst day of the year to be a cashier or sales representative. All positive thoughts will fall to ash and ember by the time you escape.
To top it all off, you can’t even use the facilities without being reminded of the holiday bloodbath outside the doors. Holiday music is everywhere, and it bears no mercy.
I hate to be so blatantly negative towards the holidays, I do enjoy the company of my friends and family. I have this great fear, however, that as the meaning of the holiday season gets further removed, there is only more room for anger, greed and disassociation among our fellow man. Lie to your children, illuminate your homes, sing a few carols and don’t forget to buy your families love-especially at Black Friday’s prices.
Okay, that was a bit harsh. I’m looking forward to my Christmas, with the people I love and care most about. It’s a month away, I’ll warm up to the idea a bit. What other choice do I have?

In & Out

2005-11-21T23:52:00.000-08:00

In the back of my mind, a dark shadow grows over, like a weed in a garden a-bloom. Cast as clear as day, this light, once cast iron strong, now florescent fading-scarce to start when switched on. Fork. Here, in the road, here, not ahead. Here. Silver, long and convincing of promise in each direction, but it all stems from the sheen. Not real silver- painted on like smiles. Social butterflies birthed into tomorrow's whores. Let us throw them in a box and set the knob for 2 hours time (not actual) and come back when they are clean, and free of the baggage claimed yesterday. Blind them with this bright- florescent light which is whiter, when we can get the bulb to work (the switch is opperational). Tonight holds the company of strangers, fingers and faces, lips and service. We'll have to put them away again, hide them again. Send them into the dark to come out clean again, to shine again, close enough to perfect. More misdirection, and not an inclination of pull. I'm weary of the thought, that I've been in and out of my mind, and my Kitchen for so long, that the garden is overgrown with weeds. In the back of my mind, I plant an idea, and hope there enought light to grow it.
-Meg
Confusion and disapointment hound throughs and mislead. I think it'll make sense in the morning. Perhaps not.

Devious..... yes.

2005-11-21T23:27:00.000-08:00

I took some time to explain some of the 'madness' generally associated with women to my dear Brian. This sums it up quite appropriately:
Brian: "Why do women have to find something, anything wrong, or even not wrong, and make it out to be the worst possible thing, and it's usually not, even if it's not they just bring up something almost slightly related and dwell on that.....I don't get it, it doesn't make sense"
Meg: "We get bored-when we get bored we have to stir up something, and typically, we'll ask you to make a decision as to which is more important to you, us, or your presented habit. Its a ploy to make you say what we want to hear. Women aren't nuts, we just maniacal and devious. We know what we want, we just conjure the most cynical ploys to deliver it."
Brian: "So every little fight over nothing..... that dies once it's over..... it's just a plot to make us tell you how beautiful and important to us you are....... tell you how much we love you and all that crap?"
Meg: "Yea. Great, isn't it?"

Well, at least I think it's hilarious. It's fun to watch. I'll admit. I've done it on ocasion. Just to stir things up a little. Harmless. I swear.
I still firmly believe that most women are nuts. Chemically inbalanced, devious in a masochistic sense-corrupt and confused. It's their choice, notoriously pride driven, they must make a statement with their decision- hence, I believe, this is why they choose to over-react, instead of maintain balance. People pay attention to crazy, the normal ones fade into the backdrop.
We're all human.
I just can't help but laugh, though. Women are born with this nautral ability to manipulate...... like they say, if you've got it, flaunt it.
Enough out of me tonight.
Maybe not.
Meg

One Sweet Day

2005-11-20T21:55:00.000-08:00

*Music has been written*

I don't want to think of you
Every time I hear that song
It would be better, I just forget
I don't want to feel your presence
Walking into an empty room
With a hope-you felt something yet

I don't want to be the one who tells you
I don't want to be the first to say
So I'll sit here, for Eternity- if need be
Waiting on that one sweet day

I don't want to spend my nights
Tossing in an empty bed
Dreaming you were by my side
I don't want to hear your voice
Standing in a crowded street
Searching strangers faces, for your eyes

But I don't want to be the one to tell you
No I don't want to be the first to say
So I'll sit here, for Eternity if need be
Waiting on that one sweet day.

I don't want to fumble for words
I don't want to hide myself
I shouldn't waste myself on you
I don't want to feel afraid
I just want to scream aloud
But only if I'm sure it's true

So I'm not going to be the one who tells you
I don't have to be the one to say
I'll just sit here, for Eternity if need be
Waiting on that one sweet day
I'll just sit here- for eternity if need be
Waiting on that one sweet day

You don't get to pick- you don't get to chose. Life is this jigsaw puzzle, even the pieces which look like they're a perfect fit- aren't always what they seem. Here's to the one sweet day when we find the perfect fit.
Still dreaming-
Meg

Me, Myself and Misdirection

2005-11-20T21:22:00.000-08:00

I headed home after dinner. We were on the phone and you were in the city, at a bar in Wrigleyville. Just a few blocks north of were I had spent my previous evening.
I drove all the way home before I allowed myself to realize that I had driven the last 30 minutes in the wrong direction.
So there I was infront of my apartment. I didn't bother to get out of the car. I turned around and drove downtown. Parked a block or so north of the bar. Met you inside.
You see-I wasn't where I wanted to be, until I was there with you.
- Meg

Longwinded Weeks and My Sob (Saab) Story

2005-11-20T20:39:00.000-08:00

Between our Private Sale , and the assumed conversion to a new internal computer system at work, I kept my distance from any computer outside of the office. Private sale was hectic- as always. Imagine being a sardine in a tin can-that's about how it felt on the sales floor. We had all our salesmen working (about 250) as well as representatives from each of the manufacturers we carry, and customers from far and wide in for the thrice a year sale. It was all talk, 9hours straight. It's the one sale you always leave needing, not just wanting, a drink.

We had quite a night at Chasers after the sale. I was there from about 7pm till midnight. Simmone and I- nice and tipsy, danced the night away in the company of about 45-50 of our fellow co-workers.
(Thank you Amaretto Stone Sours and Washington Apple shots)
That was the weekend of the 6th. Things didn't slow down from there.

I signed up to become a 'Super User' for the new system we were supposedly scheduled to launch today, which wasn't launched. It cost me quite a few hours and a boat load of patience, as I taught those who didn't wish to be taught, and those who came very close to being un-teachable. I spent many a night at the store until midnight, and even worked a 14 hour shift on my day off, to further attempt to acclimate our staff to the new system. The launch date has been put off until January, due to an accounting error which would not allow our store to balance properly. I'm glad for the extension, this holiday season is hard enough without the added stress of a conversion. Sigh.

All the training I did landed me a very horse throat, which became a cold. I figured all the stress would pass with the extension and I even left work early on Friday, with intentions of a dinner at Kampi (my favorite) to some how make it up to myself. Good intentions-horrible outcome.

MY SAAB STORY

Saabbi (my car) was towed, after her alternater belt snapped and took a pulley from the relay system with it. Yup. I took my car, which was squeeling (sounded like a squirrel with it's tail caught in a blender) to the Sears autocenter about 100 meters away. They turned me away saying that they couldn't help me, pointed me across the street and said "Good Luck"

Luck didn't last, with alternator belt gone, all I had was the juice in my battery, 1st thing to go was power steering. I made it to the other side of the parking lot, then phoned in a favor. That was about 6pm on Friday. Tow truck came about...... oh yeah......9pm.

To top that all off. Tow truck driver wore a sweatshirt that said "fire" on the back..... and "Hoffman Estates Fire Department" on the front.

He remembered my apartment's demise very well. Cruel Fate-always messing with you.

For those of you close to me, you know I have the hardest time asking for help. Even something as simple as a ride, I always feel like I'm imposing or being a bother. Not having my car is really forcing me to face this aspect of myself head on. Thanks Brian and John.

That sums up this weekend. I miss my car!

Attack of the Salmon

2005-11-05T22:24:00.000-08:00

For the longest time I've joked about being bulimic. Making crass and completey random comments about the perils of vommiting after consumption of any caloric quantity.
Today, I learned to better understand the actual hardships of being bulimic, thanks to my mom. (At least that was the last thing I ate)
It all began on Friday night, dinner at Mom's to keep me from going out (big weekend at work). She made Salmon, one of my favorite foods, along with pan fried garlic noodles.... (I hope you know- just describing the food is making me nausiated) I ate everything which was loaded on my plate and went home.
Brian and I rented 'House of Wax', durring which I got to see Paris Hilton with a Steak through her skull- Yay! However, I was unable to enjoy the movie, as I felt nausiated throughtout. Being the open individual I am, I let my roomate know everytime I vomitted a little in my mouth.
Gross.
So I didn't eat anything else that night, consumed water and went to bed with a tummy-ache.
2am.
I wake up, cold sweat......make a run for the bathroom..... and oh yeah. Salmon.
Everything came out. I brushed my teeth- back to bed.
No sleep. 30 minute intervals between dry heaving. Went to work after my stomach and esophagus stopped convulsing (noonish) then vowed to never eat my mothers Salmon again. I had the honor of looking like I had a night on the town.... and was paying for it today. No such luck. All day I consumed the following: Water-which was awful- cause that wonderful taste from the morning lingers, Sprite- to settle a stomach-but sent cold chills through my ravished body so I moved on to: Hot tea..... not very filling, but warm. I had a bag of pretzels and a crunchy granola bar...... nothing else.
After work, I came home. Slept from 7:30 till midnight.
Here I am. I still don't have any intention of consuming anything solid. My stomach is flipping me the bird.
And I'm pondering why we don't give these girls a little bit more credit. They do this after every meal. Wow. Kudos to you.
Not for me.
Back to bed.
Good night.
Meg

November Slump (Blah)

2005-11-03T21:22:00.000-08:00

As november emerges from Octobers final hangover, the light fades durring the day, and it's that much harder to be pleasant. We're amid out 'Private Sale' at Abt, (which is not nearly as exciting as a corrupt mind may think it) so hours are long- phones are always ringing and the level of stress elevates to that boiling point throughout the ranks. The last phone call I delt with was, flat out, unbelievable.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with my carreer- I handle Corporate Sales at Abt Electronics. We have some very wonderful customers and clientel, and today I was lucky enough to meet a sexist pig. My being a woman was unsatisfactory-the customer demanded a salesMAN assist him with questions concerning the contrast ratio and resolution of a particular television set. "Believe me, I don't expect you to have the answer, women don't understand electronics-"
I was patient, kind and maintained my professionalism, but only on the outside. There were words, I promise, and just because he didn't hear them does mean I didn't mean them......
To top that off, a sales meeting, keeping me an hour longer than expected. I left, needing a drink, chose, however, to go home and 'relax'. Here's the trouble with that word; it's a vague idea.
For some strange reason, the long and strenuous butification process gets categorized as a method of relaxation. See below:
I'm smiling initially- the thought of flawless and smooth skin.... then the masque stars to dry....and you can't touch it..... but it feels so weird that you scrunch your face muscles with all your might in hopes of alevaiting some of the awkward tension between skin and facial application.
Then you come to realize.... the beautification process has not hindered the negative ora around you at all- but has instead made you even more irritated, and posed the question; why the hell did you just put yourself through that?

See (to the right) Me, not ecstatic, not amused, not any more beautiful either. Infact, I took the time to re-examine what I had put myself though, and decided, in that matter of fact way, never to do it again. Ahh, it's just my mood. I'm snapping my fingers now, and I'll be smiling again.

I ate some junk food. Amazing how great cookies taste after Mac'N'Cheeze. Damn Straight. I'm headed for the Freeze-Pops next.

Bet you thought I was kidding. I love these things-even in the dead cold of winter!

My appologies, long and seemingly pointless blog. I'll call it my 'Blah'

I'm going to go make love to Joe Crede in my dreams, after a write a song or two to aggrivate our neighbors..... who are currently vacuuming, at midnight. UNBELIEVABLE!
Remember- beautification in not relaxation, it's simply frustration and the culmination of things stupid that women do. Yuck.
Blah-night
-Meg

You'll Be Gone

2005-11-01T22:39:00.000-08:00

It's near midnight here in Chicago, and I have the apartment to myself. I havent written- it was time. I'm sure the neighbors don't appreciate it, but it feels so good to pour my heart out-head to toe. Here's my new song:

You'll Be Gone
I'll dismiss you like a bad dream
You'll go back to meaning nothing
But restless sleep
I'll erase you from my memories
Leaving those moments empty
To fill with other things

And I'll go on with out you
I'll forget all about you
And you'll be gone
You'll be gone

I'll drown you in apostrophes (new poetry)
All about some obscurietes (catastrophies)
Bearing no name
I'll throw away everything we used to own
Prove to myself that I've out grown
You and your petty games

And I'll go on without you
I'll forget all about you
And you'll be gone,
You'll be gone

I'll douse old photographs in kerosene
Re-write all the 'could have beens'
As though you never were
I'll pretend I had never met you
Then I won't have to regret you
Or ever have known (or loved) you at all

I'll go on without you
I'll forget all about you
And you'll be gone
You'll be gone,
I'll go on without you
Forget all about you
And sing this song,
You'll be gone, you'll be gone

It's got this robust piano behind it, which allows me some freedom vocally and it creschendos to this climax where I realize exactly what I've done, and undone by doing so. It then decreschendos to the realization, (final chorus). I'm turning the piano off. Oh the perils of love and how the hearts holds tight to remnants of past encounters..... and how dull they are in true light, night posses far too bold a contrast dark-and all we see is bright white exclamation points-sharper than expected come dawn.
Good night-
Meg

Flinstones.... Meet the Flinstones

2005-11-01T20:22:00.000-08:00

You know.... I think she did this just to prove that she's better at Sewing than me. Here's Courtney, or should I say Wilma...... Here's my proof... see those demon eyes....that match the hair..... oh yeah...... she's just being perfect....... perfectly devious!

Courtney, like I said, is great at everything she does. Including last minute costume fabrication. She did Ed's and herself up- and a damn good job I might ad. Love ya Hun.

Insincerely Lost

2005-11-01T01:07:00.000-08:00

Somewhere... the thought of me lingers like fog. Thick and yet mildly transparent. The furthest thought from your heart, I promise.
I may be cast aside at the moment, but your shoulder bears me, halo and horns. I made an impression, and it's permanant-like final goodbyes. The real ones.
Is it not so easy to drop the idea? I was a mere pawn you played, willing to be taken, and you set a glorified trap.
Love.
You used a four letter word to knock me down and what a show.
You are an amazing actor-though you have lost yourself, at least a little. The trouble with insincerety is how easliy you reach the point of not knowing what you feel and what you don't-
Which is why your number flashes across the face of my phone.
No-longer titled-but I recognize, ' forgive, never forget.'
You are struggling with the adaptation of my role. It doesn't fitthe way you intended.
My interpretation of the words and actions followed a completely different script, blank pages which were filled by beats and genuine laughter. Nothing makes sense now. The second guessing reins....you'll wrestle fragmented ideas or emotions....
You're less than I remember you to be. You can't hide behind brute strength- your confusion steals the color and we only catch hints of internal struggle, somewhere beyond your empty eyes.
You may have said good-bye, or it may have been another line. You can't decide anymore.
When the fog lifts- it will be clear, that love once denied was more sincere than the glorified personification of pawns and places, and the faces you have turned your back on.
Wear me like a burden, I have shed you in oceans of tears.
This is permanent-final goodbye. A real one.
I'll never pick up.

2 Drunk Cowgirls

2005-10-31T21:24:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween! Alicia and I spent Friday night (and a majority of Saturday morning) at a Costume party downtown at Eric's house. Eric mad the most incredible gourmet food- that man can cook, and proceeded to sear then bake lamb at 1:00am. It was a burst of flavor, which then melted like a truffle in your mouth. Un-believably delicious.

A drink or two in, I decided that Barbie needed to flex her muscles and yes began to pick everyone up for photo ops. I also arm wrestled a nurse...... no pics of that yet, Eric has a video clip though!

Eric is the pimp to the right of my darling Cowgirl Alicia. (Michaela was a little cow-girl for Halloween too) He's a very down to Earth, genuinely great guy with friends and family to match. I'm glad Alicia met someone like him- she deserves a great guy. What a great party too.

This was the first night I introduced myself as Barbie, wearing 6" Pink heels, and the infamous Barbie Signature Shades. Everyone wanted to get their hands on them. Being the 1st night I spent as the plastic-superficial idol, I chose to forgo the wig- and yes that is my real hair.

Of course, two cow-gals at a party are going to have a good time- that's what Alicia and I can always do- no matter where we are. That's the way it should be, girls just want to have fun- let us, we'll be entertaining. You gotta love girls like that. Oh what a night, what a night :)

Yes, (miraculously) I made it into work the next morning- after sleeping for about an hour and a half. Well worth it. Love ya Alicia!

'Critically Acclaimed' Romance & Flames

2005-10-30T23:12:00.000-08:00

I pondered the thought of 'critically acclaimed' romances- the star-struck, picture perfect, walking on the moon-kind. I balled the idea up, and threw it out the window as I made a left.
It's not what I want. Granted-the idea of a perfect relationship-bells and whistles is appealing-but what I've come to find, is you don't attach yourself to picture perfect-it's too far gone in society, least in my mind.
I just want someone to share everything with-this life- this body-this mind. I miss trying to 'him' laugh or smile, or creating something special- nothing goes as planned-and that's what memories are made of, that's what you hold eachother and laugh about together. I miss that.
I have so much to share- and I almost have this feeling of being trapped, not being able to let it out.
**Tangent**
It's rough, too. I think I've finally tied off all loose ends once attached to my heart, and only occasionaly stumble over threads of what I used to be a part of. So much of me is proud- but there's a part of me which won't let me throw things out, or let go. It's hard to imagine yourself arguing internally about a photograph, or a poem, or a letter, or card, even worse is when I realize that the common sense side...... totally lost that battle.
Since the fire, I have lost most of the photos, gifts and nostalgia I would have otherwise never thrown out, and I understand that losing all of that, rather than makning the decision to cleanse myself of it makes a difference. It's reflected in my desire to create new memories, and duplicate copies and you can't force those things. And everywhere you go are reminders, a friends house where photos line the walls and span over years and years. I don't have that anymore.
I've been looking at it as a blessing, that I don't have to get wrapped up in all of those old emotions, from moments long lost and forgotten. So much of me doesn't want to forget- and I'm afraid I will forget. I miss the things that mattered-and they were the priceless possessions. I didn't cry over anything else-but the pieces of me I lost.
It's a driving force-it's why I haven't thrown out a couple of things- which remind me of people I have learned to let go of.
I'm feeling this way- and I'm sorry. When I drove home from my mom's house, there was smoke, and that smell, and my eyes welded up with tears and my heart raced. To my left I saw the flames and tears came streaming down my face. Even though it was just a field fire- It was too close for comfort, and I realized how weakened I was by it-and all I wanted was someone to hold me, and tell it was all going to be alright. I don't have that right now.
I want to be strong and independent, but life is teaching me, that we are not designed for solitude, at least not me. I don't need anything like the movies, over-exagerated, and superficial. But everyone need's a somebody-critically acclaimed or not.
-Meg

Misrepresentations and Sexual Connotations

2005-10-30T18:44:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce Rene.....
Cobblestone Waitress Extrordinare
Where the picture to the right may to you hold a less than innocent sleu of words (picture's worth 1000) I assure you, nothing is going on outside of your imagination playing games with you. Just two lovely ladies, one in the arms of another, massaging another part of her body in a coy manner.
For those of you thinking otherwise..... thank you. It is people like you who tip this hot-ass waitress they way she deserves to be tipped. Be kind to your waitress's and bar-tenders..... you never know when they'll return the favor : )
XOX
Meg

"Who Me?"

2005-10-27T23:28:00.000-07:00

"I would never wiggle in a seductive manner....... or dance on bars, tables, or with inanimate objects...... nor would I dance on any person.....ever. Not me!"

The Eternal Sox Game & the Aftermath

2005-10-27T22:54:00.000-07:00

So Tuesday night is 'Karaoke night' at local hot-spot Durty Nellies right here in Palatine. It was also game 3 of the world series, White Sox vs. Astros. ( I LOVE CREDE)
Christina and I arrived early to catch the last few innings of the game, which then proceeded to last 14 innings. Great outcome though- White Sox won, and then the fun began.

Lucas arrived just about the 9th inning of the game. There's me, his lovley wife Janelle, and Lucas himself. Janelle has awesome boobs- I swear- they're perfect. Know Lucas from Abt-he's the Apple Ipod Guy. Hilarious, fun-loving, down to Earth, and genuine couple. They remind me alot of Courtney and Ed, whom I just adore-and they Karaoke too! YAY!
So..... I must interupt, because I may not have explained that I get even crazier when I drink. I dance harder and sing louder and smile bigger when I'm not worried what other people think. It brings out the eccentric- insane(some can argue) - fun loving side of me. Also the devious sex-kitten woman........
Yes..... that's me..... on top of Leslie. Yes... she's enjoying it.
This is about 2 drinks in...... then came the singing.....a nd more dancing of course.
I Soloed on the Fugee's "Killing me Softly", then Lucas did "Say it Aint So" my favorite of all Weezer tunes. So of course I was dancing and jumping and wiggling around durring the whole song. The grand finale was the group rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody" performed by all remaining at the bar come 2am. It was incredibly well sung for a pack of less than sober individuals-and that's one hell of a long song.....
All in all, the night brought the wilder side out of me. So I closed the evening with the 'I'm innocent..... just look at my pig-tails...... I would never seductively dance around any bar ever' look. (wink, wink) See above post.
We proceeded then, to Lucas's home, where we toasted to their 2 year wedding anniversary. We hung out there for the next 3 hours, then had to leave due to Christina's allergies to the two cats they had. I felt so bad..... she sneezed until we got back to my place. What a night!

Courtesy Of Chaddius

2005-10-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

I made mention of working out on occasion. It's one of my favorite things to do; bettering myself and seeing results has ultimately helped in rebuilding my self-confidence. Then again..... So has alcohol : )
This is Chaddius (Chad for short). He is as crazy as I am, and hilarious. While he works me out, he encourages good diet by the following:

Always singing the Bill Cosby Song "Dad is great, gave us the chocolate cake" and then mentioning how badly he's craving Portillos Chocolate Cake...."Delicious" he says.
Discussing how badly he's longing to eat....... steak......cheese burgers.....chicken.... and then ordering them in front of me.
Describing the food he's consumed in the past 24 hours...... in great detail...... so that I can almost taste each morsel as my mouth salivates......

But Chaddius is great. He kicks my ass and keeps me going even when I slack. He's given me a great sense of knowledge, and power. He's help sculpt me into the current shape I'm in, and helps me maintain it. (For a nominal fee, of course) The best part of working out with Chaddius is getting to know him- and getting buff. We put up with eachother, and use one another to promote laughter at the expense of others...... sometimes one another. (like when he call's me fat- yeah.... I'm laughing my ass off..... jerk)

He makes work muscle groups I would rather not, and I appreciate him with 3 and 4 letter words and a smile. 'Cause that me.
So any time you see me in a picture, dancing, wiggling, even smiling confident- know that part of that is courtesy of Chaddius.

Funeral (Short)

2005-10-25T00:13:00.000-07:00

At the funeral, they will ask of you.
“how’d you know her?” and a plethora of when and how.
They will dig just as deep as the grief inlaid in the lines of your face, the solemn calm you attempt to carry will only draw attention to your obviously manifested strength.
You will not utter a word, but for to condole those weeping.
You forgo the urge to let loose your tears-but the warmth is in your cheeks, burning a crimson rose to contrast the pale skin against the black.
You wore black, of course. To blend in among the others- to not draw attention. But you stick out for lack of relation, your relativity is unbeknownst to the others in the room.
“She died alone,” the old woman mutters, her voice trembles for the loss. Her eyes are on you, and your heart begins to race an unsteady pace, and it’s pulsing through your façade.
You grow still. As deathly still as the cold body in the casket. The red leaves your cheeks and yet the urge to cry only grows.
“Did you know her?” she asks. You feel her eyes split you open like a young blossom, pealing away the layers to unearth your inner color.
You look blankly at her- silent, still and empty of everything but the desire to scream…… yet you don’t.
You cannot tell her you were my lover- you cannot weep for my dying ’alone’ when you carry the very ring that would have been worn 4th finger, in the pocket of your suit. You cannot explain the emotions you felt and still feel- and how lost you are without the one to whom they belong.
Your head falls, and slowly you step aside, until you are center in the room. The eyes of friends and family watch as you make your way up the steps and reach into your pocket. You take the hand of the girl you fell in love with, and slide the solitaire upward, unntil the gold band is secure around my finger.
Three words in your head. I can hear them.
You never say them aloud- but they can hear them.
You leave. The moment you make it past the car door, they rush down your face. An eruption of anger and regret and sorrrow beyond what you throught possible. How could you let her die alone?
You wish the words came sooner, you wish you validated each moment, each memory, each second of her light you shared.
You wish that you didn’t need an introduction, or an explanation- you wanted them all to know. No… you didn’t care if they knew, but you wanted me to know.
Three words in your head, I can hear them. I swear I heard them all along. I did not die alone, I died in-love. I died in-love.
At my funeral, they will ask of you.
You will give every detail away-and my light will be with you and never fade.

-Meg

While driving home this evening- I wrote this. I spoke each word aloud-and deemed them worthy to write down.

"Like, Oh my God!"

2005-10-23T22:09:00.000-07:00

There are a few things which truly annoy me, and rush me to the peak of my patience in the workplace. One is glorified incompetence. Yes she has a name, however, out of the kindness of my heart I will not divulge.
She sits just across the way, and every statement she makes starts with "Like, Oh MY GOD!" in this high pitched-teeny-bopper voice. The word that follow usually relate to MTV and the sitcoms they show- or recent celebrity fashion statements.
Her position in the office is one of mystery. Working with our affiliates..... but mostly just yapping (in that nails-on-chalkboard voice) with the 16 year old customer service girls. Mind you, she's got 6 years on them, but I swear, they're on the same page. She's in her seat about 40 minutes every hour, and spends about 20 of those entertaining the girls who come by.
The potty breaks and caf breaks need not be taken in flocks. You're a grown up, you can do this all by yourself.
She recently went full time. I wanted to hang myself.
When she held her most recent hour long conversation re the potential break up of Nick and Jessica Simpson, I damn near threw my shoe at her. I had to leave the area- my brain was beginning to revert into it's infantile state, melting from the sound of insipid-mindless-pointless babble. She must have said "Like- Oh my god" at least 30 times in the period.
It gets better.
She's graduated college. Congratulations. And has began interviewing.
She wonders why she doesn't get called back.
You know that grin that sleeps just behind your professional face- the one you wore when you found out that the prom queen was 22 and knocked up with her third fatherless child? Oh yea. I was all over it.
I wanted to corner her and state the following.
#1) if you act like you're 16, the only grown up job you'll ever have is in the porn industry. Hunny, your gut won't cut it.
#2) If you continue to quote MTV and it's league of impressive looking celebs as your role models (Paris Hilton) no legitimate company will be calling you back. They will, however, be laughing at you, behind you back.
#3) Have you ever heard yourself speak? I don't think any position requiring human contact will be granted to a woman who reminds the fellow employees of their teenage daughters.
#4) The potty breaks and caf breaks need not be taken in flocks. You're a grown up, you can do this all by yourself.
I would probably end it in "and like, oh my God.. I totally can't stand you!" If you are a capable individual, no one would know by your actions or your words. Grow up.

Sorry- I had to get it out, knowing that she'll be in the office tomorrow. Grr.
- Meg

Garret

2005-10-23T17:05:00.000-07:00

Part of me didn't want to mention him here. But I feel not noting the reason why I've been bitter and why I've not been posting to create a gap in the timeline, and for what it's worth- he's an interesting character. Here goes......

Let me just preface this. I have a nack for seeing the good in people, and holding tight to the idea so well that I lose myself in it. I want to bring out that in people. On top of that, while I appreciate advice and opinions of friends and aquaintences-I still have to make the mistake myself to learn the multitude of lessons for myself. I told you I was stubborn.

So this is Garret. Country-singer want to be, Tall, sweet, stong construction worker daily. I'll quote Autumn:

"Garret's a great guy to hang out with, but not good with relationships"

Thank you Autumn, dead on. Let me explain. At first sight he's everything a gal could want. Atractive, tall, fun, sweet and he gives off this good vibe of 'got-it-togetherness'. While the outward appearance never dies, he hides this child-like monster, ill-responsible and inconsiderate of anything aside the bottle. Alcohol.

Granted, I met him at Karaoke. A bar. I get it, I got it. My mistake.

The hard part about posting this is not letting my emotions factor in when trying to relay the story. I ended up getting hurt- mostly because I opened myself up and failed to heed the warning signs. I'm a sucker for second and third and fourth (etc.) chances.

So weekend number one was great, number two had a few glitches..... all of which revolved around his schedule.... and how I would be factored in after getting drunk. If I went into the relationship knowing this.... I would have handled it differently. If he didn't make plans with me ..... I wouldn't have been waiting....... and if he made good on the commitments he made, I wouldn't have been upset...... or have decided to go to a bar by myself and have too much fun. (Yea.... I had fun.... dancing EVERYWHERE!)

Apologies.

Apologies mean nothing unless you mean them. I wanted him to mean them, so whether or not he was actually sincere has been masked by my desire for his intentions to be good. (Damn me and my hope in others) Needless to say, the following two weeks were decked with varied excuses to hide empty bottles and high bar tabs, while I awaited promised dates and times. I can only convince myself that someone is being honest and considerate and that 'shit came up' for so long. Especially when it was the same thing- liquor.

Then came the dinner party. I hosted an evening event, which he promised to attend, and day of confirmed. I spent about 8 hours cooking and cleaning for the 10 people we had over. The whole idea of the night was to introduce the great side of Garret I saw, and to counter all of the warnings they were given and shared with me. It was one hell of a backfire.

Dinner started at 7:30, he mentioned that he may be late, so I wasn't concerned when he wasn't prompt. At about 8:15 everyone started eating (Lemon butter and Herb Salmon, Blackened Cajun Chicken, Zuccini, Fruit Salad, Ruben Dip, Spinach dip, Penne Pasta with a thick Alfredo sauce......) I took some initiative to call and see if he wanted me to set food aside. He was at Cobblestone- drink in hand. I hung up the phone, and part of me died.

My freinds calmed me down, I cleaned up, and we had a great rest of the night. I told him off at the bar, and all I got back was a blank stare. How can people be so cold?

I don't want you to think he's a bad guy. Infact- he's wonderful sober, but he can't handle a relationship, he doesn't know how to care about anything but himself right now. I hope it'll come in time, but right now, he's got no responsibility, and I don't think he wants any. Life will catch up with him-and I learned another fatal flaw of my own.

I can't add any more photos....something 's up with the site....... Grr.

Chasing Rainbows

2005-10-22T23:23:00.000-07:00

I'm lost. Why am I chasing after rainbows; holding tight to dreams which won't come true? Save me now- I'm falling upward, clumsy. Who ever thought the world would be so cruel. Lining pages, notes and letters, waiting for better days. Tears all flowing, no place worth going but down, and alas, all meaning fades. Why does it hurt? Misdirection, adherenty apparant connection breaks and fragments are strune together. Whether meant to be or forced like lost memories, destiny eludes and evades. I should throw all of it away. Everyday I change, the questions remain, slightly altered or more the same in contrast to me. I get lost and find a fraction of myself to assume, pieces of rainbows to lighten my greyscale-self. Who ever thought this world to be so cruel? Can't I hold tight to niavete, and still believe in the good..... and be...... Me?

Amazing Courtney

2005-10-22T22:58:00.000-07:00

Here's to Courtney- Hot Blonde to my left. A genuine good person. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder- and she can see it in everything. She is amazing in the way that she brings light out of every darkness and expells a ambiance of warmth and compassion that spreads like dandilions. In everything she does and the way she does it- she positively effects all envolved, and makes the world a better place. She is strong and full of faith- she is gifted and loved, amazing and beautiful. I look to her for opinions- she's got a nack for good judgment and she reminds me of who I would like to remain and what I would like to become. Here's to Courtney, she is beautiful and everything she touches follows in her ways. She'll always make you smile.
I LOVE THIS GAL!

Call A Cab-

2005-10-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

Someone should call a cab,
I'm lousy on my feet
without you to fall back on
and I've decided that I will
not take applications at this time
the bar's closed
and so am I
Someone ought to call a cab,
to take me home,
back to you,
If I could shut that part up
I wouldn't be so tipsy
This kind and cruel poison
Someone needs to call a cab
I'm about to become that girl
Who dances like a flame
in rememberence of a passion
that burnt out
like the tip of your long lit
cigaratte.
My yellow chariot awaits.

Roomates meet Photo Printer

2005-10-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

YAY! Roomates are great- our new 'thing' is pre-boozing photo's. This one taken with the first print from the photo printer. Yup- we're losers. But no one at the bar thought so....... I think we tried Durty Nellies, but it was crowded by the elderly- who couldn't dance for fear a hip would be displaced....... then we went to Idols....... I learned the true meaning of too much 'BOOZE'

Yes I puked. I know you needed to know that. Sorry. TMI * * * * * * *

This one (Me and Christina) was taken after a few drinks..... one for me (long Island, yeah baby) and I have no idea how many shots Christina had........ : ) it was the perpose of the night. Alcohol and girlfriends...... and boys and dancing..... heck- it was a real free for all. But I got my girls back - Yo.

We drank and danced, moving from bar to bar down Clark Street. Mind you- I made the mistake of 5" heels..... too bad I didn't feel a thing until the next morning. We walked around town, though neighborhoods singing Disney theme songs and arguing over which words went first. Ladies- life is good- and it gets better.

I Don't Miss You

2005-10-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

I don’t miss you,
I miss the faint whisper of your breath
Grazing over my shoulder as we fell
Into slumber
I miss being lost in your eyes
Sinking into their vast sea
Drowning
I miss the arms enclosed, secure and safe
Stating: you don’t have to be
So strong
I miss the world beyond
Walls tall and thick
Keeping me
I don’t miss you,
I miss a heart beat
Steady and pulsed
Truant Love
I miss the gleam of my smile
Expelling the light
Truant Love
I miss the skip in my step
Confident and proud
Trusting
I miss believing I was
Worth more than just
Words
I don’t miss you
I miss the things you represented
Fragile, delicate, tender
Hope
I miss holding a hand
Not fearing the touch
Skin on Skin
I miss pleasant memories
Reduced now to fear
Angry disgust
I miss myself before
Broke me like a promise
Truant Love
I don’t miss you.
You were a figment of my forced heart
Desperate for answers
Validation
I miss who I made you out to be
Honest, amazing
Real.
I miss being able to convince
Less coarse
Smooth Seductive Lies
I miss the feelings,
I miss the emotions
Not you.
I don’t miss you.

Forced, pulsed- this was not a poem- it was a war cry. Internal the struggle which keeps me awake, and silent the demon who allows this fate. We are our own worst enemies. - Meg

Scarlot Envy

2005-10-20T23:31:00.000-07:00

Scarlot Envy
I catch myself, and the mood is awkward.
I don’t even know you, and I would love to steal him from you.
It’s not him either, he loves you,
I envy that.
My body aches for love-
And he’s stands before me, so I desire to reach out
But I don’t even know you,
And he loves you
You have what I want
I catch myself, and the disgust is astonishing
I am not that girl, running the town
Trespassing on a true connection, attempting to feed off it
To run with his love of ‘her’
The disassociation kills me.
You will not love me, you love her
And I don’t know you,
I don’t love him,
Yet you have what I want.
I catch myself, and the mood is crass,
Cold for the anger I have,
How could I let myself go- such thoughts stampeding
My better judgment knocked down,
Only envy.
And he loves you,
No one loves me,
You are so lucky.

Who ever said the color green represents envy was mis-informed. Passion misdirected-lust and longing, the color red. Scarlet, harlot Envy.
When you catch yourself thinking things that you know you shouldn't think. I mean no harm, and I'm sorry. I'll never reach out, and I didn't. No one is perfect.

Aside

2005-10-20T23:10:00.000-07:00

Aside my own complexities, I catch myself deep in thought, longing to unwravel you. You are a vacant seat in a theater round, perhaps the only one, and you stand out, striking like matches in a dark, empty place. And I feel you, from center stage-and wonder if I'm safer alone here, exposed, or naked in my room. I'm running from shadows.
Aside this hallow, where I hear my phone ring, and the echos keep me hoping, lay the broke down freight train, I named desire. I longed for you with callous eyes, and deeply mourning breaths which I stole from others along the way. You were a cadence steering my misdirected heart south, to a warmer climate and there I could burn.
Aside that, aside the scars you left me with, and the lessons learned, I find my mind running to you. Strides long and fast and strong, and you are the furthest point from me. I'll never be closer, you won't let me, but I have this piece- a mere bread-crumb- and it's stale taste makes me wonder how sweet is was- before it broke off.
Aside the crowd, the voices and the hush before the lights, is that vacant seat. And it means more to me empty than it could full- for I am safer center-stage, than lost in blank pages my mind would fill with ideals birthed of bread crumbs and warmer climates and the faint echos of a phone that won't ring.

Crush

2005-10-18T22:39:00.000-07:00

Whirl these thoughts
A cyclic clycone of complications
Etching glitering fragments
Which flicker residual light
From our recent encounters
Rendering all direction
Much less pointed
For the Distraction

This daily routine's conveinence
Dwindles like stability
In my knees
When you're near
The decline is steady
Like time released capsules
Cloud my conciousness
With perpetual desire
For a simple smile
To set me back again.

- Meg

Quoted

2005-10-13T22:52:00.000-07:00

"Burnt like bridges, resolute. I've walked this path before, and traveled, tresspassed. Heal-toe, heal-toe. Each structued stride my make-shift bride, and what a lovely wedding.
Consolidate these findings, revolve and capture, (re-capture) the light fragments. Regain and refine this harmony alike.
Candid thoughts, re-write - revise even revisions. I've been here before.
And forgot to remember, collapsed confounded. Corrupt this file, a magnificent mile-high lie." - Me

"This torrid love affair, I swear. Keeps this heart afloat. And on that note. I'll never sink, or so I think- this light will surely fade, it's golden shade.
And glisten, I listen, to the way it ought to be. And so devine, I shine on, but hell, that's just me. That's just me.
This painted smile, less denile. Always holds it's own, least I've shown. And the world is but a play, each different day, this light is just as bright, It's alright. " -Me

"Here's the light, lit and glowing, showing only from a distance, this ambiance of existence. It's warming embers burn through sebtember, until autum's faded and fallen leaves, exhaust and extinguish with a gust of colder calm. I hate how winter wipes me out, and sets me back until summer." - Me

"This is my favorite place. Here where you don't notice- because it's amuntion for the "told you so's" I chose to forgo telling myself. You have such great aim.
Granted, I armed you. Gave you weapons and let my guard down-let you right in. I claim my necessity for niavete the culprit in this massacre. No I won't give it up." - Me

"There is hope hiding in a corner, the wrath of God will keep it there." -Me

Drawn In

2005-10-13T22:36:00.000-07:00

I am, and again, drawn in.
Spun like thread, taut-
Attracted to
This ambiance of new
(you)
Nay this light be,
adverse refraction
To claim soverign
This humble and truly
Retract
The bright glow, of flourescent
A vow,
Of Neglegence
And a ribbon
Which reminds me
of (you)
I am, and again,
And thin this tie
this knot
Not even knowing
your name.

OnE TeQuIlA

2005-09-09T00:09:00.000-07:00

For my 21st, I enjoyed the presence of an aray of individuals, and consumed an appropiate (Large) quantity of alcoholic beverages. This was the last......

"Sure, why not, whats one more shot...."
"Tequila"
" M y favorite!"

(Knocking it back)

(Here comes the lime)

< Ok..... that was sour

Hmm..... looks like the birthday princess was visiting her throne.....

I have a boatload of pics.... over 100, but these were just a few which immediatly need to be posted. My new motto:

"I am so glad I never have to turn 21 again"

I had the time of my life- really. Here's a toast to great friends and the great times we share with them. I love all of you... (most of you)

(Some of the time)

(j/k)

Disease

2005-09-03T18:44:00.000-07:00

Aside all standard contemplation,
I find a discerning growth
This cancerous cell
Multiplying as time passes
Till I am brim full
Of this disease
It lingers….
I can taste the clock
Each thought corroded
By it’s maniacal tick
And my skin can’t nearly
Hold the sickness in
I burst open
Silent screams stream
Rivers to no sea
But the solemn wake
Rip tide pride
Forcing truant water’s vengeance
You can save me,
Play the patron saint
Give a moment,
A minute
I’ll squeeze the antidote
From the look in your eyes.
Aside all standards, contemplation
I found a discerned soul
To fake the liking,
Perhaps past formal emotions
Tied loose knotted for safety
But tight enough to hold.

(Essentially- the lonley feeling and how easy it is to give in to it)

The Hangout

2005-09-03T18:11:00.000-07:00

So there we are, playing "Worst Case Scenario-Dating and Sex" while drinking in my apartment... I think this deck was a little out-dated, as there were no questions about 'baby-mama's' or 'pimp daddies'. The Red cup thing- we have a GE dishwasher- you do the math!

It was hillarious, amazing how many answers we got wrong, even when the questions were multiple choice. This was after Bowling, which essentially became Jaley's biggest opportunity to capture the essence of my ass. She has way too many pictures...... Gotta love her. Anyway, Dwight (Lt Blue Shirt)- I'm convinced he's Popeye's alter Ego.....Crazy Californian. Guess that's what too much silicone and Sun expsure can do to a boy.

Then there's Jaley and Jeff- two love birds... already bickering like a married couple...... (sigh) that's just love.

Jaley learned how to lunge....and found that lunging improved her bowling as well as the appearance and firmness of her ass. She's a beautiful girl, smart, sarcastic (Synical) and Jeff loves her. When they're good, they're amazing, shining like the sun, and it oozes out of their poors, they glow and everything else reflects the light they expell.

So.... here are a few of them.... crazy folk. Love um all-you gotta love the crazy ones..... they're like sprinkles on the cake of life...... insane, crunchy, colorful sprinkles....... on the cupcakes of our existence...... ok....... I'm blonde-leave me alone :)

My Last Days

2005-08-28T23:06:00.000-07:00

Quite litterally, these are the last days I can use my age as an alibi not to get hammered.

I know that's not what you would ecpect to hear from, well anyone...... let me explain:

I'm a lightweight.

Combine that with an outgoing personaliy, a love of "wiggling"/dancing and a high center of gravity....... the results, though humorous, are not the most gracefull.

I'll be 21 the day after labor day. Big plans were to go to Vegas, good friend deserted me last minute for the new boyfriend claiming cash to be the culpret. Perhaps six months notice and planning was not enough time. Damn it Di, you are lucky I'm forgiving.

Plan 'B' is in effect. Party the weenend of Labor day, not expecting too many people to show- seeing as it is the Holiday weekend. Sweet September 6th will allow me to accept the offer of a drink and will probably be the death of my responsible side. What am I going to do now?

One week left. Chicago, I hope you're ready for me...... once I'm legal..... there's no telling what type of trouble I'll get in to..... or cause......

Here's to new excuses for not drinking..... I better get cracking on these, only one week left!

Angels-Aisle Five

2005-08-25T00:06:00.000-07:00

It was too clear that night- something stirred beneath the sky.
I was there, by your side,
While the Angels were tending to Asile five,
And thank God you were alive-

Breathing, and bleeding,
You heart was nearly empty
And the hollow let your pain echo
Exagerating your suffering, alone.

There was an overwhelming silence
As your world stopped turning
Passion just stopped burning
And you fell beyond the faces you wore-

It was too clear that night-something stirred beneath the sky
And all the Angels we drunk off Aisle Five
So I was by your side,
So I was by your side.

For Jaley-

Impossible

2005-08-21T20:14:00.000-07:00

Let me just preface this:
Women are all nuts. They don't have a clue what they want, they're vendictive, psychotic and manipulative. Men- you guys aren't angels either, you will clearly state what you want, repetitivly, but are clearly intimidated by the caracteristics you idolize. Different kind of nuts.... but nuts the same.

Ok. So me.
I have, over time, gradually trained myself to be the perfect girlfriend/wife/friend....... I see things in others which are appealing to me, and I find a way to weave those characteristics into the tapestry of me.
Men want girls with trim waists, bright smiles, blonde hair and a fun, outgoing personalities. Hell, I even threw in intellegence, a witty attitude, long legs, blue eyes and yes, I cook and clean.
I'm going to be very honest and list a couple key characteristics/things about me.

I'm in shape, working out 3-5 times a week-and I eat healthy.
I cook and clean. I love baking cookies and brownies for people. I actually think that women who can't handle such feats should never be married or even contemplate conceiving children.
I'm creative: I write music and poetry, play paino, sing (very well), dance, draw and love to perform.
I always have energy. Always.
I love laughing and making other people laugh.
I am independent. I don't expect other people to support me, nor would I put myself in a position where I would need them to. I'm self sustaining, and not looking for a 'sugar daddy' by any stretch of the imagination.
I am full of surprises, a little bit of a rebel, but with common sense.
I love cars, and yes I can change my own oil (and I do brakes)
I don't like drama. Seriously.
I'm Drug Free baby.
I am 100% faithful- and I despise all people who act otherwise.

There's more. But those are a few key points.
Here's why this entry is entitled "IMPOSSIBLE"

So I have essentially become a desirable woman, right? WRONG! In being the things a guy would like in a woman, I have somehow intimidated the oppostie sex. WTF.
My roomate, Brian, laughs. "What? You? You're harmless!"
Yes, I have successfully scared them off before they even get to know me. In the past week, I have had three different men tell me that they were intimidated by me. I'm sweet, I'm personable, I'm cuddly, cute..... and that just makes me really undesireable...I guess.

I can understand the shorter guys having an issue with the tall girl thing. I know how weird that looks...... and yeah, I personally don't care to feel like I would be defending you if we walk down a dark alley. I definitly want to be the woman in the relationship.

But seriously. How is this supposed to work? You guys are just as bad as women. Good guys never win? Yeah, neither do the good girls.
Unbelieveable.

-Meg

The Hunch

2005-08-21T19:02:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know me, I own a Saab Convertible-Black. I love my car.
Today I learned a lesson in the disadvantages of convertible driving in conjunction with cell phone usage.
I was on the highway driving toward Chicago when a Porsch moved into the lane next to me. The top was down, side wondows up, and the driver was hunched over his steering wheel, in a very unattractive way.
I could do nothing more than laugh to myself- as I knew, every time I took a call when the top was down, I too did the hunch- and probably looked just as unattractive as he did.

It won't matter much soon. Chicago has just passed a law making cell phone use illegal while driving. You can only use the phone with a Bluetooth headset- or another form of 'hands free' device offered by the cellphone industry. Pretty soon it will spread beyond the city limits and into the wonderful world of suburbia.... the hunch will be no more. In fact, answering any phone call in a convertible will be no-more. (not that you can communicate hunched over the steering wheel....... most people can't make out a word you're saying)

Beyond the law, I have decided, no more hunching. Not unless you're really important-or potentially in trouble. Convertibles are supposed to be sexy.... hair in the wind...... gorgeous tan and hot shades...... no Hunch.

Here's a pic to remind me of one of the benefits of a topless vehicle..... I took it on my way downtown just after sunset. I love Chicago- from the incredible architecture, to the wide aray of people who live there. There's always something going on, we've got the lake, North avenue beach, The House of Blues, Michigan Avenue....
Like I said, I love Chicago.

Peace,

Meg.

Party at Meg and Brian's 8-6-05

2005-08-18T00:34:00.000-07:00

Brian and I had a shindig of sorts, more like a gathering. People from here and there, all at our apartment on the 6th. This is a shot of my girl Christina and Me (P.S. I'm the tall one on the right) on my balcony.Below are Joe and Chris. Brief History: I work with Chris, he always (EVERYTIME) blew off the parties we had at my old apartment before the fire. I got him to commit to coming to this one by using the phrase "before this one burns down" He brought Joe with (we have an open door policy) He was a riot- two cool guys, one can of pringles........
A couple of the guys, the Middle one in the black and white is Brian, my roomate. To the far Right is ED, Courtney's husband (she's in a pic farther down) I told them all to look hot..... this is all I got : )
See..... Courtney is the blonde in the center, Rachel to the left. Tall me to the right. These are my girls, from Karoke to shopping, to slumber parties....... yes I still do things like that. Courtney and ED are great, they have an incredible relationship, they are two of the most interesting people I know, and talented. Courtney's hot too.
That's a little bit of a glimpse into my apartment and some of my friends. I'll definitly break the surface of this blogg with following entries.
To all my friends in the pics above, lots of love. To my roomate- thanks for taking out the trash.

- Meg

When the Past Comes back to Haunt you

2005-08-17T22:55:00.000-07:00

Irregardless of the situations survived- my head still catches my heart throwing curve balls. Seems the only time that the past resurfaces (with a vengence, I might add) is at the most inopportune time, and even worse- at your most vounerable.
Since I moved from the ashes of all the things I used to own, I made the decision to refrain from advertising the new address to past relations, unless I cound convince myself that their presence was desireable. I'm trying to not open 'cans of worms' -so to speak.
Since Rich, I no longer work out at the same gym (Seeing as everyone was appologizing for his cheating on me... with a married woman...... who was his boss..... at the gym..... it was no longer a suitable environment for me). That gym was a fairly pivitol setting- I spent many hours there- and due to the location's proximity to both the work environment and my childhood's greater backyard- not only were there familiar faces.... but the ocasional had-been from high school. Aside that- it was where I paid to spend time with Rich (personal trainer-how we met) It was comfortable. Was.
So- back on subject here. New place, new Gym, new outlook on life. Hindsight is twenty-twenty-everything makes sense, yada, yada. Time passes...... it's tonight that caught me off guard.
I exit the gym, 10:45pm, make my way to my car. I'm sore as hell, and yes my head phones are still on.
I notice something light in the passenger seat from the distance. The black leather seats and the top down made the moon light catch the figure with that not-so comforting stale glow. He was glowing, in the front seat of my car.
He was smiling. I was flabbergasted- so left field that I lost sight of home plate momentairly-then smilled.
Oh my god! What on earth is he doing here? How did he find me? What is going on?
Steve. A name from my past which wears many faces, none of which could I ever hope to see again..... especially in a situation where avoidance was not a card I could play.
He was a torrid love-and in retrospect, a great love, but the timing was off. The red flag went up immediatly-this was not good timing.
I wrapped my arms around him as he embraced me, and felt the warmth of his touch running champange bubbles through my veins. I wanted to halt the blood from flowing- this is not good.
Don't pay any attention to the emotions you think you are feeling.....

"Surprised?"

We exchanged words. I was bubbly and polite- I was the exact same person I was when we each took our own path from the fork in the road. My mind raced to keep up with my heart's pleas to return to his side, as an intervention this bold would indicate his intentions to be. Granted, part of me still loves him, but that is hardly a basis for making the same mistake twice.
As we filled in the gaps of the last few years, he took my hand, he touched my face, he grazed my arm with his fingertips and even managed to get the twinkle in his eye to shine so brightly that it was almost blinding. I felt ambushed-and still I had to hold my own.
My heart laying claim to the need to be held and the warm familiar touch which brought back those perfect moments....my mind understanding the emotional aspect- still knowing that right now..... I can't just fill the void to fill it.......
I kindly made note that I have work.... and it's late, and I had to part.
He said he missed me. "None of them are you"
All I wanted to say was..... "That's not fair" or was it " I miss you too" and there was this crass moment of complete indecision as to what words to utter... so nothing came out. I just tilted my head downward and stared at the cracks in the pavement.
"It was good to see you."
"I really have to go"

I got into my car and drove the 5 minutes home.
I wanted to cry- to let the night know how frustrated I was with the position it put me in. To show just how vounerable I was, I am. I miss the companionship- I miss someone to love, but I can't expect to move forward running backwards, and I can't use Steve to fill in the void I have inside. I took a deep breath, and held tight to my tears.

I am strong. I'm alone, yes, but that's alright.

I pulled into the parking lot, grabbed my gym bag out of the car and made my way up to the apartment. I decided to leave any thoughts pertaining to even the thought of getting back into a relationship that did not work the first time. I cut the strings of my heart, and left the idea of Steve outside.

This was not fair. Life isn't fair.
I guess I ought to work on the vounerability issue-
Can he really still be in love with me?

New Age Band-Aid

2005-08-14T22:45:00.000-07:00

I hate him for his actions, and the rough way he handled me as I fell to pieces choking on the lies he fed. I can hate him for that.
I hate him for his height, for though he cannot change it- It irritated me that our fingers never met to clasp- as we walked side by side. Though- this was fitting, in retrospect, for he had the upper hand emotionally, but stood to be the lesser being.
I hate him for the way he left me feeling- empty, worthless, though the healing has taught lessons worth more than the love I wasted on him. I will say wasted- as he was not deserving of the love and tenderness, of the compassion and desire I shared with him. Sharing is the wrong word. He was a selfish little pick. Dick, the name resounds, ever fit for the fellow.
I hate- because that means that any feelings I still have are wrong. I cannot be wrong- I will fix them with the hate. New Age Band-Aid.
And when they ask me how I feel, I'll smile and say- I'm alright. Because that is what I decide, and even if I wear it as a lie, eventually it will become the opposite- and the smile will be my smile. You will be nothing left but a lesson, and perhaps a scar. You will always be a Dick. And I will only learn to hate you less as I forget your trespasses, and when I say forget, it is not forgive. I hope you get this ten fold-yes I'm still dwelling, not on you, on my vacating you from the confounds of my heart. I feel as though I should have my soul drained, filtered and replenished of you- you are like a cancer…..
You can go on with your life, that is your right, however wrong it may be. You may love, or be loved, but not me. You don not have the right to use that word with any regard to me, such action will elevate the level of disgust I have for you- and I will not be responsible for my actions. We can never be- ever. I will hate you till I believe that- till my novice heart is convinced. Then you will just be gone of my memories- a write off- the longest one night stand.
I will hate you- no one else, perhaps I will be angry with myself, but who can blame me for trusting someone who played the part so well. If your head wasn't misshapen- I would recommend acting- if your legs were longer- perhaps you wouldn't need your mother to appear at the audition. One day you will learn, and I thought you already had- 1st marriage- Men are like freight trains...... full speed dead ahead....... but women, we lay the tracks. I hate you too much to give that advice to you. I never want to speak to you again- never want to see you. I just want to hate you right now.
I hate because that makes any hint of positive emotion I have set aside for you an infringement upon myself, and better judgment, will erase it- with the help of time and my New age band-aid, the wound will heal and scar- and one day you will dissapear......

The above is dedicated to Richard Talenti. Heartless lying midget. Yes I am still angry- with every right to feel so.

Shock Value

2005-08-14T22:06:00.000-07:00

The most appropriate thing to start off saying, is that the following is inappropriate.
Just because you are fully capable of manipulating the emotions or persuading another individual- such actions are not entitled, nor should they be assumed allowable. But, being a woman, I can’t help but explore the aspects of my abilities, knowing yourself is the best way to survive the rest of the world.
My girlfriend is Alicia. She’s become one of my best friends. You got to give her credit, she’s raising the most beautiful little girl, Michaela, (who just turned 2 years old on Weds) and she’s doing it alone. She’s in great shape, she knows what she wants and won’t settle. She’s learned that she’s worth more than the short end of the stick. She’s smart, beautiful, strong and secure with who she is and what she expects from people in her life. If more women had this type of confidence, men would be in trouble.

Alicia bring out my..... less conservative side. It's harmless..... really :) We took this at one of her Co-Workers homes, just to see how it would look. Not too bad I think. We're both work-out nuts. It keeps us out of trouble-for the most part.

I really think being content with who you are and what you are is important. Knowing what you want- and what you expect of others- having expectations of yourself, all curcial to being a strong individual. If you can't set goals for yourself, you are wasting what potential you have for greatness. We don't always know what the future holds for us, but we choose the path we walk, and even though the ending is rather certain, it's the journey that matters. If you're on thin ice, you might as well dance- heres to a great beat.

Who Is A Lesser Grace

2005-08-14T19:23:00.000-07:00

Tada- It's me

As a creative individual, I attempt to seperate the different aspects of myself by signing my work with a unique signature. My Singing name is A Lesser Grace (learn the meaning at http://www.geocities.com/A_Lesser_grace/ you can also view lyrics here).
In my music I can express myself in a variety of ways all at the same time. I can use my lyrics, my voice, my music (piano) and performance to step outside of myself, or pull someone right in. There is nothing more fulfilling than seeing someone feel you, even for a moment.

The name ' A Lesser Grace' came from a song I wrote:

Asking questions/ Who's to blame/Finding no answer/Aside your own name/Painful diversions/To carry us away/As we wait for a tomorrow/That died yesterday/When the sun comes up/ don't wake me from my dream/The world will turn without me/ and reality is never as good as it may seem/So I'll live my life in visions /Cast clear as day inside my place/To save myself and the rest of the world /Another lesser grace/ Every attempt/ Fast to fall short/No more tears/Be a Good sport/Always misread/Slight inclinations/Leave us alone/With our silent desperations/When the sun comes up /don't wake me from my dream/The world will turn without me /and reality is never as good as it may seem/So I'll live my life through shadows / Cast clear as day inside my place/To save myself and the rest of the world / Another lesser grace

It was written years ago, but it captured the essence of hopelessness, the lesser grace, of course, being shortcomings of expectations, or standards. I always felt, as a child, that try as I did, every thing I accomplished, fell just out of view of the people I loved the most. It created in me, this hollow place, this feeling of inadequacy, as I tried to live up to standards that never were set.

I've come to terms with the whole scenario, and now 'A Lesser Grace' is what I'm saving myself from becoming.
"So you stumble, tumble forward onto the pavement, you've skinned your knee and start to cry, wipe dry the tears from your face, and fall not to - a lesser grace."
It's a statement that reminds me to learn from the lessons life has taught me, and no matter how hopeless it seems, get up and live life to the fullest. Nothing can stand in your way unless you allow it to.

I am 'A lesser grace', but that will not be my fate. In life, there is no room for regret.

-Meg

Introductions

2005-08-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

There I am, (Left) me, Meg. Beside me, Shane, ny best friend from before Highschool. I'm 20 years old, three weeks from 21 and the angst of anticipation is rushing through my veins. I'm Blonde, Blue eyed, 5'11" and fit.
The picture was taken in my new apartment, Palatine, Il. My previous dwelling went up in flames, January 20th, 2005. An electrical fire claiming all my worldly possessions, and leaving me no option but new beginings, led me here.
Of all the things I lost- my poetry, my journals, my drawings, my photos and my music are the only things I miss. The ocassional longing for my favorite pair of jeans, or searching for a top I used to own...... yeah, it happens, but you move on. New socks, new underwear, new roomate, new appreciation for everything.

To the right, you'll find me and my new roomate. Brian. We work together- Abt Electronics (www.AbtElectronics.com) I handle Corporate Sales there, he does Internet and Phone Sales, I love my job, and my roomate.

I'm currently single. The last relationship was a rude awakening. I'm known for trusting and giving all of myself all of the time to the people I care about, and I'm all too forgiving of the ones who don't reciprocate. I loved him, and he had me convinced he loved me- and then he stopped acting, and
the curtain came up and there it was. His mask was off- he was the opposite of everything I assumed him to be. That was the end of that.

I'm good at learning from my mistakes, and letting wounds scar so that they can remind me of the lessons each leasion should have taught. I don't want to dwell- life's too short for that- at the same time, I don't want to make the same mistakes.

What you'll come to find is: this is not just a diary- it's not an advertisement, or a personal ad. This is me- from my darkest shade to my brightest white, and the technicolor-spectrum between. Introducing Meg.

Meg